| Stories |
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| 11:40pm 26/12/2005 |
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It seems like my mind takes turns. Sometimes it's really cloudy and it's hard for me to think. Other times it's perfectly clear and everything seems to make sense. And still others I have a hard time dragging myself back to reality, my imagination taking me everywhere I want to be...and sometimes everywhere I don't want to be.
I think the reason I am the way I am is because I won't settle. I won't take something I don't want, even if it's still a good deal, cause it still isn't what I want. Sometimes I think I'm a tad OCD cause it seems like so many little things bother me that don't bother "normal" people. I like to say I'm just thorough. But I notice things. I remember things. Like, on the 8th I went to a dance, saw a pretty girl, figured I'd dance with her. So I did, and while we were dancing I remembered that we went to school together and I remembered her name. When the dance was over she introduced herself by her first name only, and I finished with her last name and told her how I knew her. She still seemed to be out in left field until I told her who I was friends with and she pretended to remember me. It just seemed so weird that I would remember her name...and something so foolish as the time she gave me a penny when I didn't have one to get into some silly renaissance fair. I mean, who remembers that. And why, where did it get me. "Thanks for the dance, you weirdo?"
But that isn't what I'm here to talk about. Something else is on my mind this evening. And that's what this thing is all about, yeah? Me. So, it's that time of year again. Well, it is for a little longer anyway. Seems so weird not spending it with anyone. Like old times. Seriously, I was reduced to watching Christmas Mass on television...at least it was broadcast from the Vadican...that was cool. So, that's pretty pathetic. But that isn't what I'm here to talk about either. No more love stories...or near-love experiences.
It's true that I'm just a normal person. Just a normal guy with a normal job that goes to a normal school with normal friends. But I feel like every single day there's this thing inside me. Like another spirit or something. Something that is waiting to break free from all this normality. Part of me loves everything in my life, but that part wants to just let it all go and be larger than life. Bigger than anything I've ever known before.
It was totally crazy. I sang in church on Christmas. With the choir, sure, but I sang a solo too. Holy God was I freaked! I thought I was going to seize. I thought the world was going to cave in on me, but I sang all the same. And somehow, some way, I did it better than when I practiced. And when I sat down, through all the shaking, I noticed Sister Hawkes was looking in my direction and mouthing the word "WOW". I pointed at myself, she nodded, and I mouthed the words "no, no, no" and waved my hands like and umpire signaling "safe". After all was said and sang, some of the kids told me what a good job I did. It felt good. Then I walked by Sister Hawkes and she told me she didn't know I could sing like that, and I wondered to myself...sing like what? And she told me I should do it more often. And, Holy Crap, it was hard enough this time, but you know what? I'm going to do it. I'm no Josh Groban, or Lucciano Pavoratti, or, well, any musical talent. But I like feeling like I'm noticed, even if I have to scare the crap out of myself to do it.
I mean, it isn't like that experience has changed my entire outlook on life or anything, but it gave me some confidence. I seem to be getting more and more of that lately. Like, take Rembrandts. One night me and the boys decided to head over to Rembrandts for some hot chocolate...or in my case frozen coffee. This was the weekend that Cody's friend Sam from Pocatello was here (for God only know's why). So, I was feeling unusually bold that weekend, as evidenced by my performance at the dance at ACI the night before. So a girl I kind of know walks and I asked if she wanted to sit with us. Now, she's a bit younger than me, so it was no big deal, but still, when did I ever start asking girls to sit with me and my friends at the coffee place? Where did this mysterious person suddenly emerge from? I mean, it isn't anything big to anyone on the outside...which would be everyone but me, but this is HUGE for me.
The point is. All these stories in my head. All these day dreams that never seem to come true. All the things I want, all the places I want to be, they're there. And somehow more than ever before, I can feel them. And it isn't because of anything anyone did, it's me. I've been here this whole time. I've been waiting to break free, and I'm doing it. Slowly, but I'm doing it.
I'm taking piano lessons, and Cody's going to teach me the trumpet, and Andy's going to teach me guitar. Cody, Tyler, Andy, and I all want to start a ska band, with me at the mic. I'd love more than anything to write my own songs and perform them in front of people. And actually have people enjoy them, that's the hard part. It's like, fantasy isn't really fantasy anymore, it could actually happen.
I don't really know how any of this stuff is connected, but I will tell you one thing: I'm not waiting for anything. If I want to be something, then I have to do it. Of course, we must all understand, that I can't do it alone. I am only one person after all. One way or another, true independence only comes when you're alone, with nobody, with nothing. I've got friends, I've got family, and I've got God, what else do you need? Well...some freaking trumpet lessons would be NICE!!! Farking Cody anyway.
Right, so, I'm sure very little of this makes sense, and I'd like it very much if people wouldn't put a lot of contradicting drivel in comments. If it's really that important, just call me. And if you don't have the number, there's someone who can give it to you. So, believe me, it wasn't supposed to make sense...but that's me I guess. |
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| The Reason |
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| 04:24pm 01/12/2005 |
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He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. |
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| "To My Motherland" |
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| 09:28pm 28/11/2005 |
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"In the annals of human adversity, there is etched a cancer, of a breed so malignant that the least contatct exacerbates it and stirs in it the sharpest of pains. And thus, many times amidst modern cultures I have wanted to evoke you, sometimes for memories of you to keep me company, other times, to compare you with other nations--many times your beloved image appears to me afflicted with a social cancer of similar malignancy.
"Desiring your well-being, which is our own, and searching for the best cure, I will do with you as the ancients of old did with their afflicted: expose them on the steps of the temple so that each one who would come to invoke the Divine, would propose a cure for them.
"And to this end, I will attempt to faithfully reproduce your condition without much ado. I will lift part of the shroud that conceals your illness, sacrificing to the truth everything, even my own self-respect, for, as your son, I also suffer in your defects and failings."
--Dr. Jose Rizal, Noli Me Tangere |
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| Scratch that...reverse it |
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| 09:30pm 27/11/2005 |
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Staring....thinking....wondering....further staring....school starts tomorrow. Something to look forward to at the least, even if I'm...not looking forward to it. Hmm. That didn't come out right at all. I went over to Kelly's last night/this morning. Seems to be the thing to do when I'm down. Whether or not we talk about what I'm feeling I always seem to feel better when I'm done. Maybe it's purely the social interaction, maybe it's something else. I wasn't feeling really hot last night. Nor am I tonight. School starts again tomorrow, like I said, and I really don't want it to be back yet. Granted, I only have two weeks left to go, not counting finals week, but I only have finals in two classes out of four. Then a certain someone is coming home that weekend after finals. Yep.
So, anyways, I just am tired of being in this state of dreariness. I pull myself out most of the time, but then it creeps back, my mind wanders to things it shouldn't and I'm dreary all over again. I'm fine and everything, there's just this feeling that something is wrong, or I've missed something, or lost something, or that something bad is coming or something. I have no clue, but I'm dealing with it as I go. Life is day to day. I mean, all this good stuff is happening, I got a new suit and boots, we got a new dog, I might be getting a new car. But it seems like whatever it is just won't be counter-balanced by all the good stuff.
It probably isn't that I'm missing something, or that I've lost something. I mean, I lose stuff all the time and I manage fine. But, it's kind of like there's this part of me that is absent right now. I'm not entirely sure where it went, and I'm still me, and I feel like me, but somewhere there's a piece of me. Like, I was at church today and I felt this weird distance between me and the others. Even the ones that are my friends, I'm not like them, really. I'm not really sure anyone is getting this.
I'm going to go finish my homework now. You guys think about stuff and don't do anything I wouldn't do. Peace. |
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| Doing nothing |
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| 06:25pm 26/11/2005 |
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I'm not exactly looking forward to getting back to school. I'm kind of concerned about my Eastern Civ class actually. It started out cool, but it has turned out to be a little harder than I thought. Maybe on my next exam I'll be a little more analytical and use fewer examples. I think that'd probably help.
Anyways, Thanksgiving was pretty good around here. The day after was a bit more eventful though. I didn't go to work cause they thought I was still in school, so I went out with my mom and my sister. We went over to Emily's friend's house and we ended up getting a dog from them. A Welch Corgy, Pembrooke, his name is Buddy and he's a pretty cool dog. He's a little dorky, but that's how we like them around here ;0). And he's fast becoming one of the family, the cats just need to get used to him.
After getting the dog we headed over to one of the car dealerships on Fairview. They're supposedly getting a bunch of cars in next week and they sent us some flyer that said you could get payments of $99 a month. My mom thought I might be interested in getting my own car, so we went in. I filled out a credit app. and it turns out I have a score in the 500's. The lady there said that was good, but I just didn't have enough credit, but that she would check with their secondary financer or something like that and see what kind of a deal they could work out with me. So I may be getting a new car. Woo hoo for me.
When we were done there we had lunch with my dad, then we headed over to the Lux store just down the street. I got a $25 gift certificate from the one downtown cause I found some keys of theirs and returned them, so I decided to use it. I bought a totally awesome suit (that I look dead-freaking-sexy in by the way) and some huge biker-looking boots cause they were both really cheap. So, fun there.
After shopping I didn't feel like doing much so I pretty much just hung around here. Then later last night it started to snow! First snow I've seen this year. So, it snowed for quite a bit of the night and it was still on the ground this morning. Cool beans.
Anyways, I'm tired and about to become completely incoherent, so I'll post later. Peace. |
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| Hard to let go |
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| 09:57pm 24/11/2005 |
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It really is hard to let go of things. At least it is for me. Not like letting go of arguments or stupid things like that, I can let those things go easily, I don't hold grudges. But letting go of things that you've wanted, and then you have, and then you don't. It's really hard to be tactful, and it's even harder to know how to place your feelings. Tonight I feel really strange. This and that has gone on, but those things don't matter. What matters is, whatever has gone on has left me with this feeling that I want to be somewhere with someone, but I can't. I'm here, either with my family, or alone. I look at my phone and see all the names in there, send a message to one, get no answer. Feels like being alone. I guess sometimes that's what it takes to let go. Sometimes you have to be alone. Sometimes you have to be the one that stays behind to learn from what's happened and let the other go and do what they need to. It seems to have taken me a long time to see this, but that's not because I was wrong, it's because every situation is different. Every person is different. Every relationship is different. Sometimes it takes more, sometimes it takes nothing, but every time is different.
I'm not saying it's all gone, cause it isn't. What's there can be worked with, maybe even brought back. But it'll have to be taken one step at a time. See, with me, I like to know things. I like to understand why things are the way they are and how things work. In this case, I can't and it drives me crazy, but now I know that you have to adapt, you have to flex, you have to bend. If you want to have what you want, what you really want, or what you really need, then you have to know when to say when or when to say never. It's all a matter of the situation. Every one is different. There is no standard, there is no rule of thumb. You just have to roll with it. If you get hurt, that's what happens, you live with it, or you let it eat you alive and eventually destroy you. Sometimes you can come back from it, sometimes you can't, but either way, you move on. You live.
I live. That's all I got. I'm out. |
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| Anyway |
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| 03:54pm 21/11/2005 |
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People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be Kind anyway.
If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and
some true enemies;
Succeed anyway. people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway
If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis.
it is between you and God;
It is never between you and them anyway.
--Mother Theresa |
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| Collide |
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| 07:33pm 20/11/2005 |
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The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide |
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| Tonight the world begins again |
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| 12:50am 19/11/2005 |
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I had a good night tonight. Thanks Kelly. Thanks Matt, play was awesome. Way to go with the accent. The play was fabulous, as I just said. Those guys at BSU sure know how to put a show together. And the acting was quite good. Had some comedy, had some drama, had a lot of people speaking in English and not understanding each other. Funny thing is, in the play they did that because the Irish people were speaking Gaelic and the British guys were speaking English, but since nobody knows Gaelic, they all spoke English and just acted (duh) like they didn't understand, but in real life sometimes we talk to each other in English and we have no idea what we're saying to each other. Either that or you trip over your tongue and you only think you're speaking English, but really you're trying your hand at Taiwanese (thanks Alex). So, miscommunications all around, play was good, two thumbs up.
Oh, hell, yesterday. Hello! We went to see Harry Potter last night/this morning. So awesome! Best one yet, I think. Very, very cool. And there were some awesome previews too. The first one...get this...Superman. Hell yes! Then there was one for Monster House, looked kind of funny, then one for a movie about a bunch of penguins. At the end of the preview Kelly said she didn't get it, so I said, "Who cares, it's penguins, you don't need to get it." I'm a funny m-f-er. So, goodness all around, oh, and a preview for Narnia, so seeing that.
This morning I woke up late cause I didn't get to bed until 3 or something like that. Slept through my first class, wrote a three page paper, grabbed some Taco Bell on the way in, worked on my mousetrap car, handed in the paper I had just written, sat through one more math lecture, then bye bye for a week baby! I got to go hang out with Kaitlyn and Joel and them though. They're a pretty cool bunch. Mario even hangs out with them fairly frequently.
So, I didn't really feel like work, and I wanted to go shopping...weird, I know, so I called up Kelly early cause we were going to the play tonight...well, I texted her. She didn't answer, so I just came home and sat on my behind for a bit, then she did text me back, so I went out to Caldwell and we were off. We went to the mall for a few minutes first and we didn't actually do any shopping. Kelly had to return some clothes at GAP. Then we headed downtown for the play.
It was so weird because when the first act was over we looked at Kelly's watch and were both like, WTF, it's already been an hour. The whole thing was like three hours long, but it totally didn't seem like it. It was just that damn good. So, after the play we went to the new PF Chang's over by the new Edward's on 8th Street. It is so farking nice in there. Holy crap. I honestly felt under dressed when I walked in, but that was just a weird initial thing, but I was even wearing my pimp coat and felt under dressed. Now way! But it was just that nice, holy crap, the lighting is cool, the food is really good, the service is good. I think I've found myself a new favorite Chinese place.
Anyways, I had better go to bed. Full mind from the play, full stomach from PF Chang's, and now I be sleepy. Night. |
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| Things that make you go....buhhhhhh... |
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| 11:17pm 15/11/2005 |
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Some outside force has acted upon me to get me here, but I don't know why I'm here now. I'm tired, my stomach is pretty unsettled, I have school in the morning, it's going to be cold, you would think I'd be trying to sleep to give myself enough energy to motivate myself into wanting to do things tomorrow. Not so, my friends. I'm trying right now just to clear my mind. Seems like things weigh upon my thoughts more than they used to. Fairly unimportant things, as well as important things. Though, sometimes it's hard to distinguish these days. What's really important. Could be the late hour, could be everything that's gone on around here. Just seems a bit jumbled.
I keep thinking of that Michael Buble song Home. I don't really know why, cause I am home, but I want to go home. It's like I don't know where home is anymore, or like I don't have one. Like, home is still home, right, but it's just the same as it always has been. And for some reason, that isn't enough right now. I'm dealing though, it's cool. Scott, Jake, and I are going shooting sometime soon, so that'll be fun. Then next week I'm out of school. I'd like to actually go do something, like go somewhere, but I don't really have the necessary fundage. But, it'll be nice just to be able to kick it a little bit. Haven't had much me time since school started. I'll tell you what I won't be doing much of...staying awake. I'm going to sleep a ton, cause I've been deprived of the luxury because of school and work. And I'll have to cherish the memory of sleep when next semester starts too, cause I have even earlier classes. Argh, grunts I.
At least I've kicked off my Christmas shopping. That made me feel better, for some reason. Spending money on my education makes my stomach turn, but somehow buying a Hello Kitty etched crystal for Mario gets me in a cheerful spirit, I tell you. Don't know what it is. Maybe, despite many protests, I actually enjoy shopping more than I let on. But, nobody will ever know....mwa ha ha ha! |
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| Sneer |
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| 12:33pm 15/11/2005 |
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So, this post will be considerably shorter. Nothing has happened since I posted last, and even then, most of that was old news anyway. So, really, not much has been going on period. School's going okay, much better now that we're out of the Analytic Trig section in math. Much, much better. But, still could use some more time to do homework. I just seem to never have enough time for everything. So much to do, so little time to do things I want to do.
At least I get to teach on Thursday, so I can look forward to it not sucking. And there's no way in heck that those fools are going to shut us down early this week either. We're dancing until our hearts are content to stop, which could take a while! So, I feel boring right now, so I'm going to go take a nap before I have to go back to work. Have fun doing whatever it is you're doing...even if it doesn't seem like fun. |
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| Well played, Mr. Bond |
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| 01:21pm 13/11/2005 |
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mood:  OH YEAH
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This whole swing club thing just keeps getting better and better. Ahh, drama, drama, drama...it's always so much nicer when you're not a first-hand party in it. Oh, speaking of that, seeing as I am a second-hand party, don't blame me if I fark up how the chain of events has gone.
So, here's how it all started. A certain person, who will remain nameless, was elected President of the Swing Dance Club last year at the end of the school year. Against my protests, they held a vote under the pretense that the other candidate was "not dedicated enough" because she had a prior engagement that she was required to attend. So, just because she wasn't there they made a completely false statement, giving her no chance to defend herself, not to mention that I was the only person who voted against the new President. And might I also add that she did show up, just a little late. They obviously don't understand the phrase "patience is a virtue". Oh, and another thing, the new President, who had been the Vice President the previous year, did not attend every week. The person running against him, however, did show up every week. Her attendence was flawless, not to mention her impecable planning of events as well as her love for the dance.
Moving on...though there was major animosity between...well, pretty much everyone that I was concerned with, the new President did have a meeting with his former opponent as well as with me and the former President. In this meeting we all discussed how we wanted the club to be run this year. It was made quite clear on several occasions that the President and his new group of officers would do everything in their power to make swing club BETTER than it was the previous year. It was also made relatively clear that any input from his former opponent (who will be referred to as "my friend" from now on) as well as from me would be taken into consideration. That, of course, meant that it would go in one ear and out the other.
That all brings us up to this year. Needless to say, after losing an unfairly balanced election, my friend didn't have much of a desire to attend swing club, but attend she did and we both put on our game faces and let things be. The first swing night that was held this year was in the usual spot, in Jewett. The music was bad, the dancing was bad, and to save themselves from complete foolishness, two of the officers asked me if I would demonstrate how things are "supposed" to look. True enough, I do have a style that few of my fellow swing clubbers share, but I'm not the best person to set as an example, cause I'm pretty sure if I was ever in a competition I'd be shot because I'm so off-the-wall with my style. So, first swing night...not a success.
However, the second swing night was held outside, which was cool. I mistakenly took this as a sign of things to come. Swing dance outside in the nice weather, seemed like a good omen to me. So, swing we did, a nice little reunion between my friend, myself, and the former President's (who will be referred to as "my girlfriend" if she need be referred to from here on) brother was nice, and we danced like crazy. That was a little difficult seeing as none of us had really kept up over the summer, but it was still a good time. Like I said, a good omen of things to come? I even got to do lifts with some of the NEW people. Oh yes, there were new people even. And they allowed me to do lifts with them. See, good omen, right?
Well, allow me to bring everyone completely up to speed. The first two swing nights were September 15 and September 22. I have photographic evidence. Ha. So, let me take you to a day or two before the second swing night. My friend didn't even want to go. She was so disappointed in the first swing night that she wasn't sure how this one was going to turn out and she didn't want to be there to see the swing club die. The one that she and my girlfriend had worked so hard to build. I was inclined to agree, but we went and we had much much fun. So, we thought it was all good.
Enter the drama. This brings us to the week of the 29th of September (by Thursday reconing). That week there was no swing club, so my friend and I decided to do some studying together. Wilst studying we just happened to take a gander at the BSU Events page to look at some Homecoming stuff. We already knew we wanted to go to the Life House concert, but we just wanted to see what else was going on...and make sure we knew when the concert was and how much tickets were. And a good thing we did too, cause we found out that BSU was having a Homecoming Dance and that a real live 12 piece band was going to play, full horns and everything. Totally sweet! So, we looked up some stuff on the band and decided it was a must.
Thing is, the dance was on Thursday, but that was no problem seeing as the e-mails had started by this time. And oh, the e-mails...wow...Mr. Prez. sure did take that first one a little too seriously...oh, sorry, was just catching myself up. So, right, on with the drama. First e-mail my friend sent in a nutshell: we're so happy my girlfriend is going to be home in the winter time because the club can really use good dancers like her (oh, aren't we just big flatterers...tee hee). First e-mail Prez. sent: he's insecure about my girlfriend coming home in the winter because he's going to be gone and wants his number two to be in charge just in case of hostile takeover, but he'll cover his ass with some nice, fancy words, but he just "wants things to be clear," like we're a bunch of country bumpkins (P.S. I love that word...and this is only a small exaggeration, and it's only exaggerated because I have to summarize). New paragraph.
Second e-mail my friend sent: Didn't mean to hurt your feelings, didn't realize you were so insecure, we're actually just glad that my girlfriend (yes, mine, not my friend's...sick-o's) is going to be home, and though we'd like to take over, you're still the Prez. and we respect the decision of the club members to give you power, so don't take it personally...geez (once again, exaggerated, only this time it was more me than my friend talking...hope I don't slaughter any points of view with this). Second e-mail from Prez: COP OUT...oh, sorry...the club is awesome this year...DENIAL...sorry again *cough*, swing club officers miss my girlfriend too. New paragraph. Now it's like I'm just doing it to waste paper...good thing this is electronic...guess I'm just wasting cyber space...ha.
And, when in the crap did it become SDC...it sounds like some sinister branch of the CIA...like SD-6 from Alias...don't worry, I don't watch, my mom does...it's okay. Right, so third e-mail from Prez. in response to asking for reimbursement for the High Desert workshops (they were Saturday the 8th and Sunday the 9th, and I couldn't attend, and we didn't end up going anyway, but here it is): lots of blah blah blah (he seems very dedicated to making himself sound professional...even though he doesn't have to...just be a real person for the love of Mike! ((no pun intended))) and then the SDC (again with the sinister SDC) will only pay for members, oh and if I went they'd pay for me, but not for my friend's partner, since I couldn't go, who is a student at ACI, and a whole bunch of stoopidity about how they weren't going to let us teach the stuff we learned until winter term anyway. What the fark is the point then? Seriously...this guy. New paragraph. I can see cyberspace shrinking...ahhhhhhhhhh.
Yikes, here's where it gets rough...e-mail from my friend in response to the last one from SDC: First, it wasn't fair of them to offer to pay for everyone to go to the High Desert dance except for my friend's partner. They would have paid for me after all. And they were going to pay for a new member who hadn't contributed anything to the club. Unfairness all around. But my friend is no officer, so she has no say, which is also unfair. But the workshops would give the club something new to learn. Second, the club is going nowhere as it stands now. The officers just teach the same stuff and listen to the same stoopid music over and over again and expect people to just jump on board the lame, keep-doing-the-same-things-over-and-over-again-and-hope-for-the-best train. Not so much. Third, where are the officers taking this club anyway, there are ideas, but no implementation, no drive, no heart, no desire, no love of swing like there was when my girlfriend was here. Fourth, my friend and I met these two kids at the BSU Homecoming dance and they are totally awesome. They were willing to come out and teach at the SDC, and this would give the SDC a chance to network a bit. Get into the swing scene that exists in Boise, what little there is. Fifth, my friend won't go to the workshops if her partner can't go. If the SDC officers wouldn't pay for my friend's partner, then she wouldn't expect them to pay for her. However, if the SDC called these two kids who would have been willing to teach us, then the business with the High Desert workshops would be forgiven and forgotten. Whatever decision was to come off of this, my friend wanted what was best for the club. Obviously that isn't a priority for the Prez.
Sorry if there is any tense confusion here, it's late and there's a lot of info to cover. We're documenting here. So, next comes the response e-mail addressed from the entire SDC officer body, rather than just the Prez. himself...coward: "We" have some concerns...ha. A lot of political mumbo jumbo (clearly the Prez.'s farsical handywork) about how it was my friend's choice to invite her partner, another "clarification" (as if we needed any more of those) that my friend is NOT an SDC officer and that these decisions aren't hers to make...blah, blah, blah. "We has spoken" as that foolish play Lil Abner says. Kind of fits though. Anyways, "we won't pay for this and we won't tolerate your demands and whims and more blah blah blah." Another ENTIRE paragraph about how it isn't my friend's job to do this and that and how she needs to know her place. Again with the insecurity...unwillingness to accept help...this guy needs treatment. Assumed foolishness about personal attacks, which wasn't true, simple statement of fact was all that was (about that new club member they were going to pay for). And finally a whole lot of rot about how the SDC Homecoming Dance was the most well-attended event to date and that they have a regular following and complete b-s about expanding the club's horizons...well, they said they had taken steps...they didn't actually say they were actually expanding the club in any way, so maybe they weren't complete liars. Just underachivers I suppose.
Ahh, and then there was my favorite. Kelly's intended partner for the High Desert workshops sent an e-mail back to the SDC officers. Priceless I tell you, but alas, I can't repeat it here because it was just worded so well, it just wouldn't do it justice. Perhaps I'll do one of those linky-things.
Anyways, that brings us closer to now. Now we're at about the first part of October. See, my friend and I went to the BSU Homecoming on the 6th, then her intended partner's response was sent on the 8th. So there was general weirdness for the week before Swing on the 13th, but my friend and I decided to be the bigger people and attend as good members of a club do. Interestingly enough Mr. Prez. didn't make it...a prior engagement. On the way back to my friend's apartment she had a nice talk with one of the other SDC officers, the only one we put any stock in, and we put a fair amount in her, she is pretty awesome. Then the next two weeks, there was no swing...one week was fall break, so we give them that one. Then there was a dance on Halloween, which I might add I invited the two kids from the Homecoming dance to, and they seemed sorely disappointed. Not only were most of the people at the dance not swingers, the DJ (which was the same DJ at the supposed "most well-attended SDC event ever") SUCKS, and is creepy, but they played about FOUR swing songs. Okay people, what are we? The ACI SWING DANCE Club. What music do we play at dances. SWING MUSIC. Just checking.
So, that brings us to the week of the 3rd of November. My girlfriend's brother came this time with is own partner, bringing one of his more-learned-in-the-wise-ways-of-swing-type friends along, who also brought his own partner. Whom I stole. Ha! So, we had fun in our own little world, not listening to the teachings of foolishnesses and whatnot going on. Once again (maybe I shouldn't say that, since it's the same EVERY TIME) the SDC taught Jitterbug basics. AGAIN!!! So, we had our own fun, until they decided to close up shop early. What the crap! We're there, I come about a half hour and so does my girlfriend's brother. What the crap!!! We want to dance, and they want to close down! Fine! We're angry, but there's always next week. Or not.
Once again, no swing this week. Thanks a lot guys, for broadening our club's horizons by not having a meeting. Now you've only got, what, four weeks left to prove you has what it takes? Screwed I'd say. Oh, what's that guys? You want Kelly and I to teach? You want Kelly and I to teach LINDY? The stuff that we've been wanting you guys to teach for like the whole year!!!!!? Now we're left with a choice. A simple one in my mind. See, now we're getting what we want. Initial reaction was "Go fark a goat," but as morality and good judgement would suggest, we're getting what we want now. This is what our aim has been. Let us teach what we know people want to learn. Cool stuff. Teach...hello, that's what we want, we want to share the love that is Lindy Hop and swing in general. We want this valley to have a swing scene so people from up in Seattle will want to come here and dance the night away. We win. With...minor stipulations, that is. Not stipulations from them, stipulations from us. See, we're the teachers now. They asked us just like they'd ask any other teachers. Granted, we aren't certified or bonafide or petrified, but we do know a thing or two and we are willing to teach. Thing is, we want to do it our way. Just as any other teachers would. We teach, we do it the way we want to and the way we want to is to our music, in our fashion, our way, no if's, and's or but's. Especially not butts.
So, enjoyable, yes? I think the drama has pretty much subsided for now. And I'm thinking with a little bit of push, we can bring this club back to where it should be. I'm ready. I think the question is, are the officers of the SDC ready? We'll see. And with this, I bid everyone a calm, very fulfilled, very tired farewell. 'Twould be foolish to expect anything less. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| The only thing that's right in a lifetime |
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| 05:42pm 08/11/2005 |
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Seems like when you think you have things all figured out they have a way of twisting and changing so you really don't. It was a little odd, but today I did something I've never really done before. I walk by the river every day to school and there are all those trees right on the banks. It's getting close to winter so they're all different colors now. It was really strange, I just looked and saw them today. I never usually pay any attention to them cause I'm usually too busy thinking about other things or listening to music in my head or singing to myself. But for some reason today I just took the time to look and to actually see them. It was just a little strange. Just thought I'd share that.
Oh, and since everyone is so concerned, don't worry. Apparently everyone misread my last post...obviously. And things are okay, no worries. Oh, and I got a 95 on my math test that I was worried about, so that's good. And a 77 on my Eastern Civ exam, which is about what I expected. The only thing I'm really worried about right now is registering for next semester cause I don't get to until Friday and my friend Casey did today and said one of the classes we're going to take, which is a co-req with another class, is full! Cripes! And it's only offered in the spring!!! DOUBLE CRIPES!!! So, now I have a choice, either conditionally register and take the chance of not getting in or just get into some other classes. Not really sure what those would be, but maybe this is a chance for me to expand those horizons everyone is always talking about. Perhaps a performing arts class??? Could happen I suppose. Anyways, I'm off, and holy crap, don't worry. ;0) see, smiling already. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| He who makes a beast out of himself takes away the pain of being a man |
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| 11:20pm 05/11/2005 |
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mood:  crappy
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Jarhead sucked. Maybe I should just stay away from R rated movies like I've been told, yeah? Forget the day...don't even ask. Maybe it's just me, but I feel this pressure building up. Like I'm just one day going to boil over. Like every road I go down just leads to another dead end that leads to another dead end that leads to another and another and another. Like in the beginning of Office Space when the guys are trying to get to work and every time the lane next to them moves and they change lanes then it stops, then the lane they were just in moves, then they change lanes again and it stops...feel me.
Like I can't talk to my friends because nobody thinks the same way I do. And when I really, really need someone to talk to the one person who should absolutely be there can only say no. No, I can't do this for you. Why do you need people? Maybe I should just implode. Maybe that'd be a better solution. Become so independent that I never need anyone again? Become so self-centered that all I ever want to do is things for me and never care about another person? My choice is still no. I'll stay me. Maybe me isn't good enough for anyone, but it's good enough for me. And it's good enough for God. Why the fuck should anyone else matter? That's what an asshole would say. Sure, maybe Taylor was an asshole. He never stopped to look at the big picture.
Sometimes you have to look at the big picture. Sometimes you can't just see one, two, three. Sometimes you have to see square roots and sines and cosines and every other damn number in existence to make the big picture fit. Sometimes you have to look beyond you and beyone your family and beyond God until everything just mushes together and you have one thing. Just one thing. One reason, one factor, one purpose, one idea, one whatever. That one thing is what drives you. That one thing is what defines you, whether you like it or not. From that one thing stems many things and that's what makes you you. For me, it's love. From love comes respect, honor, trust, hope, sacrifice, dilligence, happiness, unhappiness, willingness, responsibility...that's a big one.
For so much of my life I didn't know people. I didn't see outside my sphere. All I knew was there was me, there was God, there was family, there were others. There were no defined lines of right and wrong. There was nothing to tell me to do this or that. But I did what I felt was right, and I somehow was always led in the right direction. Sometimes you find out about who you are on your own and sometimes you really do need other people to help you. In my case it was a bit of both. You can never fully come into the world on your own. If you tried you'd become some kind of cave man that didn't know anything. And yet, to say that we always need people is a lie too. Sometimes you have to be alone, sometimes you have to get away. Sometimes you need that time where you can just drive somewhere and listen to your music and find a quiet spot to scream at the top of your lungs and let everything out.
But you never, ever, abondon your standards. Not here, not anywhere. You should be the person you are, wherever you are. And the person you are should be a reflection of what you think is right. What you want in life. How you want to be treated.
I think life is full of contradictions, oxymorons, paradoxical ideals. That's why sometimes things don't work. That's why sometimes when I say something people can just throw something else I've said back in my face, which happens pretty frequently. With most things you can't be one-track. Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull.
The only thing that matters...the ONLY thing, is what you really want, and how far you'll go or how long you'll wait, or whether you'll do whatever it takes to get it. I know what I really want. I know how far I'll go. I know how long I'll wait. I know when it'll be time to say no. What's it going to be? Sink or swim? Choice is yours, as it has always been.
To ask me to screw responsibility is to ask me to screw what I believe in. Maybe it's time you looked to what you believe, or what you don't believe, and try to find out what really makes you tick. See how far you'll go, if you'll go anywhere. See if what you have is what you really want. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Good Hard Look |
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| 08:16pm 04/11/2005 |
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mood:  peaceful
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Take a good hard look as I walk away
There's nothing to do and there's no way to say
That we're sorry enough for the pain that we've caused
We have no fight left to get back what we've lost
Or do we? Do you think that we have what it takes
To think and remember the one thing that makes
Us truly feel like we've never felt
Or will we accept the cards we've been dealt?
Can we take all the hurt and the bad things we've done
And forget all about them like we've had none
Can we hold hands again and just be together
Or should we say no and avoid stormy weather?
But when storms come and go the world is reborn
Even if sails are left tattered and torn
We can walk side by side and start new again
And remember how it feels to walk in the rain.
If you'll stand by me, I know we can take all
Of the bad things that might try and get us to fall
When we stand together we'll be hard as steel
As long as we hope and know how to feel
The deepest feelings two people can share
And remember sometimes that we need to bear
All we have in our hearts and all that we've got
So we know what we're fighting for and what we should not
Just throw to the wind when the storms come along
Even when the world thinks that it's wrong
So take a good look at the people you see
And tell me if it's really what's meant to be
Then tell me you need me if you really do
And if you still love me, I still love you too.
~That poem is dedicated to a hope. And written by me. |
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| Drive |
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| 12:27am 01/11/2005 |
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mood: especially lonely
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Who's gonna tell you when,
It's too late,
Who's gonna tell you things,
Aren't so great.
You cant go on, thinkin',
Nothings' wrong, but bye,
Who's gonna drive you home,
tonight.?
Who's gonna pick you up,
When You fall?
Who's gonna hang it up,
When you call?
Who's gonna pay attention,
To your dreams?
And who's gonna plug their ears,
When you scream?
You can't go on, thinkin'
Nothings wrong, but bye,
(who's gonna drive you)
(who's gonna drive you)
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
(who's gonna drive you home)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
Who's gonna hold you down,
When you shake?
Who's gonna come around,
When you break?
You can't go on, thinkin',
Nothin's wrong, but bye,
(Who's gonna drive you)
(who's gonna drive you)
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
(who's gonna drive you home)
Oh, you know you can't go on, thinkin',
Nothin's wrong,
(Who's gonna drive you)
(Who's gonna drive you home)
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby) |
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| Address To The Unco Guid |
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| 05:52pm 30/10/2005 |
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Final verse
Who made the heart, 'tis He alone
Decidedly can try us;
He knows each chord, its various tone,
Each spring, its various bias:
Then at the balance let's be mute,
We never can adjust it;
What's done we partly may compute,
But know not what's resisted.
--Robert Burns |
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| Tired of trying |
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| 11:26pm 26/10/2005 |
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There are times in my life I feel like I'm just floating along with no rhyme or reason or purpose. Now is one of those times. I don't blame it on anyone (don't worry), it's just hard to be on the recieving end every time. Having someone else decide what's best for you. But, it probably is. Guess I'll just let it be. No more, I've had enough. Guess I really am a sucker, huh? It's okay. I just can't really vent anywhere, and this is about the extent of the venting. I'm not mad, just mopey. Guess there's always tomorrow. I'm out of here. I probably won't be updating this thing as much as I have been, so if anybody really wants to know what's going on, they'll just have to call me or something.
So long. |
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| New favorite song |
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| 12:38am 26/10/2005 |
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Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls is officially my new favorite song of the moment. I think that'll be my next kareoke move.
Things are okay. A life floating in deep ambiguity. Or at least that's how it seems right now. Do I do this or that or what the F!?
I guess you just don't know sometimes and those are the times you just have to pull through. Find the reason you're on the track you're on and just hold on to it as tight as you can.
We don't always know the reasons for what we do, but we'll always do what's right by us. Or do we? Probably not always. And we most certainly don't do what's right for others all the time. Mostly what we're concerned with is our bubble and the integrity of that bubble. As long as nothing bursts the bubble, we're fine, but when something comes close to invading that precious space, that thing that is most important to us, whether it be our independence, our love, our wealth, or whatever, we freak out and do whatever we have to to keep the bubble intact. Whether that's best for all involved is debatable, but it seems right at the time.
Maybe we just need to burst our own bubbles sometimes. There are plenty of bubbles in the world and once you lose one you can always get another. Maybe it's time to risk something. Maybe it's time for you to stick your neck out for someone or something, even though you don't know what will happen. Don't be afraid of getting hurt, cause if you are, you'll never do anything and you'll never learn what really matters. And if you don't risk when the opportunity is there to do so, as quick as it came it'll be gone, and then you will be hurt, and you'll regret it.
So, my advice to you is: take a risk. Don't do anything stupid, I mean in your life. Start small if you have to. But you're never going to figure things out if you don't give things a try, if you don't put it all out there sometime, who says anyone will ever put everything on the line for you?
And remember, you can learn to love again after being hurt, but you will never learn to truly love unless you're willing to get hurt. Love hurts sometimes, even in the purest forms, but it helps us grow and it makes our love for each other even stronger.
Love. Just love. |
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